0

Not Such Fun Times

|

The end of 2013 was not much fun. This is my brain:

Brain1

You will notice faint marks (helpfully circled in red). These are lesions or scars caused by my immune system savagely attacking my central nervous system. Arsehole! The fateful diagnosis.. Multiple Sclerosis. What a shocker.. stopped Fun Times right in their tracks. Sucks right.

Well yes and no. A year and bit later, while still lesioned and tingly (read up if you want) I am fitter, healthier, slimmer and happier. So screw you immune system, Fun Times are back on the menu.

0

Christians

|

Scenario: Hens Party
Entertainment: Hot, mostly naked strippers

So Denise* is hanging out at the back of the room away from the action, not wanting to be called up to simulate sex using a cucumber (or other strange things you are required to do when there are male stippers about.. And honestly, can they not take some lessons from the ladies at Wonder Lounge.. Where the tease is without the sleaze).

There are 2 other ladies hiding out with her, so she innocently asks if they are also avoiding the action, because obviously Denise is far to civilised for crap like  this. Their reply is that they are ‘not into this type of thing’.  Denise, not having much in the way of a filter and being funny of course, replies ‘So, are you guys like hardcore fucking Christians?’. Their answer:’Yes’.

Smile, blush and walk away… Ha ha.. So glad it was not me

*Names have been changed

0

Why I Have The Best Husband

|

After discussing the concept of reincarnation with my son, he is asked what he would choose to come back as. To which he confidently answers.. I don’t really care as long as I can come back and find your mom again.

I am not sure I could ever be happier or more in love.

0

How You Know You’ve Had a Fun Night

|

1.  You have vomitted in a salad bowl
2.  You are wearing crotchless panties (only)
3.  You have more eye-make up on your cheeks and pillow than on your eyes
4.  You are reminded the next morning that you had found the perfect cheezy song for a lap dance.. And its still owed.

0

How to replace a triplet – Mich’s Pledge

|

This is what I need to sign to take over from the beautiful Jill who has followed her dumbass husband to IOM. Keeping to these pledge items is no small feat.

1.  Always be obsessed with hair and feet
2.  Always be obsessed with the sun (feel the need to sunbathe for about 7 hours a week)
3.  When with Mom and Leon, never pay for anything
4. Get drunk and throw coffee on Mom’s car
5. Get belligerent with Hilly
6. Throw name away whenever possible
7. Always ensure people do what you command them
8. Spell terrible (I think she means terribly in an ironic way)
9. Always throw in a stutter
10. Love and protect family, and most importantly love Claire and Caren
11. Do not ever invite Sharon to family functions
12. Give Claire and Caren open wardrobe rights
13. Make up silly dances when inappropriate
14. Always take and fetch sisters when needed
15. Don’t let sisters sleep at your house (haha)
16. Flirt excessively when drunk
17. Always have a fetish for shoes
18. Always think you are the hottest triplet
19. Always attack sisters pimples
20. Always think you are the most clever triplet
21. Make sure you take your laxatives
22. Write with your left hand at all times
23. Always wear boho clothes
24. Always hug the left hand side of the road and try not to indicate
25. Love Claire’s cat unconditionally and visit all the damn time!
26. Sleep overs are a must (but not at your house)
27. Talk at the same speed and pitch as the other triplets
28. Make Doug work shifts and visit Mom

Honestly, I don’t think replacing Jill is possible. Miss you booboo.